Monday, September 15, 2014

One week down

I have never struggled so much with blogging before.  So, I'm just going to dive in and try and get some coherent thoughts out.  Here's hoping...

I started out the week pretty motivated, weighing and measuring all my foods, tracking every calorie, and by thursday I was already tired of the hassle.  It's such a giant pain to be so obsessed with food again, so I've decided to leave the tracker alone for now.That may change if I stop seeing losses, but I managed to lose 2.6 lbs this week, and I'm happy with that.

My husband turned 30 last week, and it really got me thinking about getting older.  I've never been one of those women who feels old, or really gives a damn when another year gets added to my age.  But lately, I've been feeling like so much time has passed me by, and I'm exactly the same person now as I was when I was 15.  How could I not feel that way, when I'm struggling with all the same issues?

I've also always struggled with being impatient, and setting unrealistic goals.  I always look at my life in terms of how long is it going to take to get to where I want to be, and it overwhelms me to a point where I can't even get started.

So this time, it's going to be different.  There are roughly 96 weeks until my 30th birthday, and I REFUSE to start another decade of my life unhappy with myself.

So my new goal is 1.2 lbs a week.  Period.  If I lose more, that's great, but as long as I see a  1.2 lb loss, I'll hit my goal weight by the time I turn 30, and I can actually start living the life I want, not the life my weight allows me to have.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Back Again...

Hey, guess what?  I'm right back where I started over a hear ago.  Yayyy!!!

I am so beaten down that just starting to blog again is overwhelming.  But I know how much it helped me, so I am forcing myself to get back in the habit.

It's been an insanely difficult year. I'll just give you the highlights...

I totally fell off the wagon last september.  I had lost 25lbs, and thought I was finally going to overcome this obstacle in my life.  And then I failed again.  Made bad choices over and over, and watched the scale steadily climb and climb.

I went home for Christmas last year, and had already gained back 15 of the pounds I had lost by then.

In February, I made an emergency trip home again, my closest friend had suffered a still birth.  That hit me a lot harder than I could have imagined.  I am still mourning the loss of that little girl.  

In march we quit smoking, and I fell into a pretty deep depression.  I had no idea that depression is a side affect of quitting, but it definitely was in my case.  

April brought a new job, FINALLY.  I was working as a teller at a local bank, and it truly did a number on my self esteem.  I had to stand all day, which is very hard for me to do, and I just felt awful about myself.  I worked there until June, when I found out I was pregnant, and the world came crashing down.  

I have never wanted children, but everyone always said to me that I just needed the right man.  Then I found the right man, and still didn't want them.  It was always in the back of my mind that maybe one day I would change my mind.  Maybe at 35, or 40 I would wake up and decide I wanted a family.  But when I saw that plus sign on the test, I knew that I would never change my mind.  I can safely say, without a shadow of a doubt, the weeks that followed were the hardest and darkest point in my life.

I had a miscarriage in early July.  Let me clarify for a second here though.  According to my doctor, the ultrasound showed all normal signs of pregnancy, but with one exception.  An empty gestational sac.  They made me wait a week for another ultrasound, to see if maybe I just wasn't as far along as they expected.  But the following week nothing had changed, and there was no baby.

I have NO idea why God allowed this in my life. To be truly honest, there were points throughout this situation that I no longer wanted to live.  The emotional ups and downs really took a toll, and my hormones are still trying to balance out.  

To add insult to injury, the moment I found out there wasn't a baby, I started smoking again.  With a vengeance. 

But, I feel like I have come out of the darkness finally, and have been given a second (or 15th) chance to do what God has been telling me to do all along.  Get healthy.  My life can't start until that happens, and I'm sick of waiting.

So here's to starting over again, future failures on the horizon, but hopefully the strength to get up after the falls.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

June 6th, 2013

I thought I said goodbye to June 6, 2013 a long time ago.  My Motivation was sick and tired of her hanging around, and gave me an ultimatum. Either she left, or he did.  You don't find Motivation just anywhere, and I knew if he left it would be a huge battle to get him back.  June 6th was mean,  cranky, and selfish.  I couldn't think of any reason for her to stay, and together Motivation and I kicked her out.

I made an arrangement with June 6th when she left that I would send her a few pounds a month, just to keep her stocked in mayonnaise and bad choices.  But when I didn't keep my end of the bargain, she returned with a vengeance.  Pissed about my broken promises, she threw all my pounds back at me, and set up camp on the couch.

Now you might be wondering where my Motivation was, and how he could have let her back into our lives.  Motivation is not one to be messed with, and when he found out I was cheating on him with Laziness, he packed his shit, flipped me the bird, and moved out of the country.

I let June 6th hang around for a few months, and for a while I was able to turn a blind eye to our bad behavior.  She was so easy to be around.  She never judged me, always encouraged me to do whatever the hell I wanted, and sometimes I even forgot all about her. But not long into her stay, I started suffering the consequences of our care free life together, and missed my Motivation more and more.  After weeks of looking, I finally found him. Many days of groveling, promises, and bribes later, he decided to take me back. His biggest stipulation for returning was to once and for all get rid of June 6th, and I happily kicked her ass to the curb.

Motivation and I are slowly rebuilding our relationship. He requires way more effort and attention then June 6th did, but gives me so much more in return. He is forcing me to do the things I don't want to do, but I know I will love him for it in the end.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

6 a.m. should harass someone else

I am not a morning person at all. I love to sleep, and although I'm much better now (I think), I used to be a miserable bit** in the morning.  But, I forced myself to get up so I could blog before I head to work.

Oh, you thought I quit that job I mentioned a few weeks ago?  I guess I've been too busy eating my body weight in chocolate to keep everyone up to date on the exciting life I lead.

For those of you who don't know the details, I got hired as a part time office assistant about a month ago.  I was concerned that going back to work was going to mess up my efforts, and it did.  I was only working three days a week, but that change in my routine was apparently too much for me to handle, and after much discussion and many prayers, I decided to resign after working there for a week.  What happened after I quit restored my faith in humanity a little bit.

I had been very honest with my new boss about what was going on, and explained to her that I just wasn't strong enough yet to let anything derail my efforts.  She was very kind about it, and said that she was disappointed but that she understood.  The next morning she called me and asked if I thought I could handle one day a week.  She said she knew how hard it was to lose weight (her daughter struggles as well) and wanted to find a way for me to continue working for her. I was blown away.  An employer caring enough about me that they would be willing to work around my goals for my personal life?   I couldn't say no.  To top it off, and show you the kind of people I am working for, this was the desktop on my computer when I went back to work the following week:

It's been going really well, and I am hoping that once my get my rear back in gear, I'll be able to work more hours. 

Actually, I may HAVE to start working more hours.  My husbands birthday is in a few weeks, and this weekend I surprised him with a flying lesson. It was the most excited I've ever seen him.  Needless to say, I think we are going to have to add weekly flying lessons into our budget...

Please keep praying for me, see you tomorrow!

1 Thessalonians 5:18  Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. 

Monday, August 26, 2013

There's a first time for everything...unfortunately

Today is weigh in day, and for the first time since I started this journey a few months ago, I have to report a weekly gain.  Not how I wanted to start the week out...

Starting Weight: 251.4 lbs
Last Week Weight: 225.8 lbs
Current Weight: 226 lbs
Weekly Gain: .2 lbs
Total Loss: 25.4 lbs

I haven't posted any progress pictures in a while so I decided to get back in that habit. Check those out if you have a minute.

I blogged a few days ago about how I had lost my motivation and how out of control I feel, and I am still really struggling with that.  I don't want to get stuck in the cycle of losing and gaining, losing and gaining.  I've been hiding out for almost a month, and it's time to force myself to get back out there and share these struggles.

My goals this week are to  blog every day, and to post everything I eat.  I'm going to switch it up a little bit, and post first thing in the morning.  I used to wait until after I had eaten dinner so I could share my calories, but I think starting the day off with my goals on my mind will really help me.  I also wanted to change how I shared my calories with all of you, so I'm creating a page solely for that purpose. I'm thinking it might help me to have all of my food choices in one place, but if not I'll go back to including it in my daily posts.

That's it for today, I'm off to catch up with all of you.  Thank you for the support, and please keep praying for me. 

2 Corinthians 5:17 - Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

Thursday, August 22, 2013


I've been living in a state of denial.  I have been struggling for the past few weeks, but I kept telling myself it wasn't because I wasn't blogging.  It was because I was stressed out from the new job, or because I tried to quit smoking, or because I was going to get my period.  But none of those reasons are a factor anymore, and I'm still struggling.  Badly.

I've lost all motivation to work hard at this, and it's a scary feeling to realize how easily I could end up right back where I started.  There hasn't been a single day over the past two weeks where I ate exactly as I should have, or worked out like I should have.  I've stopped weighing and tracking my food, I don't cook anymore, and my husband and I have been eating more times than I would like to admit.

I wake up every morning thinking that today will be the day I get back on track, but by the time dinner rolls around, I'm the one saying let's go out.  When we do go out to dinner, I make horrible choices.  I even noticed that I inhale my food like I haven't eaten anything in weeks, and stuff myself so full that I am absolutely miserable.  It's disgusting.  And I don't want to be this person anymore.

So it's time to make a change, and get back to the place I was a few weeks ago.  I was motivated, dedicated, and downright obsessive about what I put in my body.  It was my main priority, and the sacrifices I made were worth seeing that scale drop every week.  I can't pinpoint exact day my priorities when from losing weight to eating whatever the hell I wanted, but I can pinpoint the day I got my priorities straight again.  TODAY.

Even though I wasn't blogging, I was still weighing in every Monday, and the past two weeks I've weighed 225.8.  I weighed myself today and I was at 227. A gain of 1.2 lbs in just a few days.  Hopefully by weigh in on Monday I'll have shed the few pounds I've gained this week. Please be praying for me, it's as if I'm starting all over again and I'm nervous about failing. 

P.S. Thank you all for sticking with me.  I know it's easy to lose track of bloggers who aren't blogging, and knowing that I still had you all rooting for me even when I wasn't around is one of the reasons I'm back.  I can't thank you enough.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Yep, I was hiding...

My daddy always teases me about my habit of list making and has even saved some of them from when I was younger.  I use lists for everything, and today I'm going to have to resort to a list.  I have a lot I need to share, and I'm having a hard time figuring out how to do that without this post turning into ten thousand words on Lydia's crazy (although it probably will anyway).  So here you go Daddy, another list for your ever growing collection.
  1. I lost a whopping .2 lbs this week. 
  2. It's the week before I get my period, so I've been see-sawing between raging bitch and sobbing train wreck.
  3. I decided that this week  was a GREAT time to quit smoking. (Ashamed to even admit it, but yes I'm a smoker/total moron)
  4. I quit my job.
I have never felt so out of control before.  Let's start with the job...

My new job didn't turn out like I expected.  The people were wonderful, but the pay was not.  My hubs and I did some calculating, and after the 80 mile commute, I was making around $3 an hour.    Another problem was that while it was an office job, it also involved some light cleaning.  At first I thought it would be no big deal.  I'm healthier now, I'm thinner now, I could handle a little cleaning and not be a giant sweaty red-faced mess right? WRONG AGAIN.  I didn't expect this "light" cleaning to involve scrubbing windows in 95 degree heat, but to most people that wouldn't be a problem.  I on the other hand, get hot and sweaty putting on my makeup. After getting as sweaty as I do when I work out, I'd have to sit at my desk and finish my office work feeling really gross and horrible about myself.   Tack on the extra hormones and I don't know how I managed to make it a week without having a breakdown right there in the office.

After a ton of discussion with my hubby and parents, and a lot of prayers, I've come to a few realizations.  God always gives us exactly what we need, but not always what we want. My mom mentioned a passage in the bible where God grows tired of the complaining of His people, and gives them exactly what they asked for. Of course, what they are asking for turns out to be devastating.  God gave me exactly what I asked for, and while not devastating, it definitely had it's consequences. I didn't lose much weight this week, and my self esteem took a major hit. I've been complaining and frustrated with Him for not bringing me the right job, and all along He was saying (or shouting) "NOT YET!"

On the flip side, He is a God of mercy.  While teaching me a valuable lesson, He also provided a way out of Egypt, so to speak.  If I had gotten a job that paid well and I enjoyed, I wouldn't have been able to leave it. I struggle with feeling like a loser because I'm not working, and I would have sacrificed all my hard work for the ability to put "employed" on my Facebook page.  He knew I wasn't ready, and I finally know that now too.

With the stress of my job not working out like I hoped, the cravings and mood swings that come with my period, AND trying to quit smoking at the same time, I'm surprised I lost at all. If it wasn't for my husbands level head and support, I definitely would have gained.  He kept me from making horrible choices (like deep fried pizza sticks which I wanted so badly I couldn't stand it) and lifted me up when I made bad ones (lots of cheese, butter and baked potatoes).

It was definitely time for a reevaluation of my efforts and determination, and I'm back on the horse with a vengeance. I absolutely refuse to allow anything to get in the way of my weight loss.  This is my last chance to beat this, and I will NOT waste any more of the time I've been given.

Off to catch up with everyone else, hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

Romans 3:23 “All of us have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory. But God treats us much better than we deserve, and because of Christ Jesus, he freely accepts us and sets us free from our sins.”